I have to admit that I am proud of the parenting decisions Gianni and I have made thus far raising Lucas.
However conceited that statement may appear its one I don't make lightly, and one that is hard to make at all. You see throughout these months since Lucas has so blessedly entered our lives, I have often found myself doubting choices and decisions the hubby and I have made as parents. I know that this will happen for the rest of our lives, but my self doubt is sometimes a powerful thing, and I find myself at times debilitated by constantly questioning myself, and wondering if my decisions are approved. Every choice I make I don't do so with cavalier behaviour, its usually one made with a lot of pondering, and self reflection, and wondering what impact it may have for the future. I hesitate so many times, and then when I make said decision I worry about it until I finally realise that it was for the best cause our child is thriving, and he is a happy and well-adjusted baby.
This process is mainly driven by unresolved deep-seeded guilt I still carry from my breast-feeding decision in the early days of motherhood.
During my pregnancy the choice to breastfeed was just a natural decision, one that I was looking forward to fulfil. I had read tons of material on the bond between child and mother that stemmed from a breastfed baby, the nutritional benefits, and everything I needed to know about fostering a good latching system. When Lucas was born and they placed him on my chest for that first feeding we both took to the process so naturally, and I marvelled at the seamless bond that mother and child are meant for. He latched on like a champ, and though I was slightly sore that first day, I actually found the process pretty easy. Those first few days, even when I got home were pretty blissful, and I was just so elated that I was handling it, and successfully accomplishing it.
Then I started doubting myself. I wasn't entirely sure that Lucas was getting the proper amount of breast milk. I was breast feeding quite often, and at times he was nursing for soothing purposes, since we hadn't introduced a pacifier. So I braved on, and I started pumping as well, as I felt it would help stimulate and produce more milk. I noticed that Lucas would stop mid feed and he would just wail so unhappily. I would express the breast and pretty much nothing was coming out. So I did something I had all throughout my pregnancy sworn I wouldn't do, and I gave him a bottle of formula...and he gulped it down, burped and looked so satisfied. What did I do, I cried, real hard, and started questioning everything I had planned.
My doctor said that my supply was really low, and that perhaps Lucas wasn't getting all he needed, that I could supplement if I felt that it was necessary, but that sometimes it takes a while for the supply to get where its supposed to be. I continued to breastfeed and supplement with formula when I thought necessary, but then I would wonder what do I know, this is the first time I am completely responsible for nurturing a human being!
It's scary, and though your mothering instincts kick in fairly quickly after having a baby, I was very emotional and hormonal post partum. I was overwhelmed, and Gianni bless him was trying his best to be a support, but sometimes I couldn't even express myself properly and help him understand what I was feeling. I remember losing it on him one afternoon cause he had left a cup on the table, screaming at him cause he wasn't being helpful, and then I just started crying uncontrollably, so bereft with exhaustion, and self doubt, unsure if I was starving my child, or if I was doing the right thing.
So I made the decision to stop breastfeeding, and switched to formula entirely. I did see a change in Lucas I will admit, he seemed more content after feedings, and less prone to desire extra feedings for soothing purposes. I rationalised that he was better off, that the breast milk I was providing was clearly not enough, nor substantial.
I cried so many times that week. Was I failure as a mother? Did I give up too easily? Should have sought out help for the supply problem? Did I fail my child? No one can make me feel worse than I did those weeks after, and sometimes still do.
Today I have come to terms with my decision, but there have been days when I wish I could go back and make a different one, not clouded by exhaustion, first-time mom jitters, and self doubt. Today this is my biggest mom guilt to date, and it became the catalyst in ensuring that all future decisions I have made for Lucas were well thought out, and I took the time to make. Do I think that Lucas suffered from the decision to switch to formula...not at all. He has continued to hit all physical and mental milestones on schedule, and sometimes even early. I look at my son and know that he is happy, that he is growing healthy, and well-adjusted. I see it in his smile every morning he wakes up, and throughout the day.
In the end I know that I am a good mother to Lucas, seeing him flourish is the best paid job I have ever had.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment