This week in Canada it is Infertility Awareness Week, and for those of you who don't know this is a subject dear and near to my heart.
When we decided to try conceiving we were so hopeful, so ready to be parents. In the beginning of our marriage we had honestly thought the plan to have kids was down the road, maybe a few years, so that we could have time to learn to "live" together, and to maybe travel. Then the desire for a child just consumed us, and we fought it initially, even started planning a trip and thought no worries we have time to get pregnant. Well the concept of time took on a whole new meaning to us.
I had always had irregular periods, even when I was on the pill, but I never really thought much of it, cause things like that aren't really a concern when you don't want to get pregnant. So after 3 months of trying to get pregnant I just knew something wasn't right. Let's me honest after 3 months the honeymoon phase of conceiving starts to wear thin, especially when after every month you don't even get the satisfaction of having the monthly visit. I sought out my family doctor, who after a month of trying some conventional medications, sent a referral to a fertility clinic.
I knew that seeking more professional help was a necessity, since there was obviously something not right, but having to go to a fertility clinic was my worst nightmare. It was an admission that my body could not do naturally what it was supposed to do, give me and my husband a child. It was a feeling of failure, as a woman and wife. I know it sounds harsh and irrational, but your emotions are heightened and you feel at a loss when you have no control over how you feel, and I was very hard on myself throughout the whole ordeal. Gianni was so amazing during this time, never once making me feel like he blamed me for anything, and he was always an unwavering voice of positivity and compassion when I needed it. After all we were both seeing month after month go by without the desired end result, and it was hurting him just as much as me. He can be a tough cookie, but one day I had just done a sonogram test, which was incredibly painful, and all I could do was lie in bed afterwards, in physical and emotional pain; and my dear husband tended me to and said he wished he could take over some of the tests and prodding I had to go through. He's a keeper that one.
When we first saw the doctor, and he diagnosed me with PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome), which essentially meant that I was not ovulating, and that in fact some of my reserve eggs would turn into cysts during the process of ovulation, I actually felt a form of relief. I now knew what exactly was wrong, and believed that with the help of the doctor and the medications I would have an easier time at conceiving. Yup not the case.
Coupled with the initial diagnosis, after a few cycles the doctor realized that I also had a heart shaped uterus, my progesterone levels were very low, and my body was essentially not very friendly to hold a pregnancy, putting me at a high risk to miscarry if I were to in fact get pregnant. Great! Oh and Gianni's little guys were slow moving which made it just all that more inconceivable. So we tried a few months of different types of medications, and when I would in fact ovulate the plan was to perform an Intrauterine Insemination (IUI), meaning that a washed sample of the hubby's sperm would be implanted right at the fallopian tube, too much information, yeah well I said I would always be honest, and try having a conversation with your parents about this, and your dad asking you "so did you ovulate yet"...awkward!
The worse month had to be November 2011. My doctor suggested we be aggressive and he put me on an injection therapy to stimulate my ovaries, and it was rough. First off the needles are expensive, and infertility is not recognized by OHIP in Canada as an illness, and in fact fertility treatments are likened to cosmetic procedures! Its absolutely insane but I won't get into that right now cause I will just sound too ranty. Second the injections have huge amounts of hormones, and they do seriously odd things to your emotions, think having PMS on steroids! It was also a huge time commitment. This was true of the whole fertility clinic ordeal, once the cycle would start I was at the doctor's office almost daily for ultrasounds, and blood tests, it got to the point where I was seeing my doctor and nurse more than my husband sometimes! Everything hit a wall about two weeks after starting injections, where my body just stopped accepting them, and nothing happened, again. I was at a loss. I couldn't even get to the point in a cycle to attempt a pregnancy, let alone see if the pregnancy would hold. I got depressed and despondent, and I was just not a happy person. The whole situation was putting a strain on my mental health, and I truly wondered if I would ever have a child. I know couples go through infertility for years before conceiving, and at this point it had been about a year for me and Gianni, but anytime that would go by was too long in my eyes; and the fact that I wasn't even ovulating just created feelings of despair for the two of us.
So we pondered taking some time off, most couples who face infertility at some point or another tire of the process and are encouraged to step away for awhile. Although I have to stress here, it had nothing to do with needing to relax, that was my biggest pet peeve during that time, hearing people say we just needed to relax and it would happen, that makes no sense when there is something physically wrong with you. At the beginning of December though Gianni read an article on another medication, femara, and we decided to go ahead and contact our doctor about trying it, and decided that we would do one more cycle before taking a break, unbeknownst to anyone else.
It was really important to us as a couple to do this on our own. When you decide that you're going to conceive its usually a step you make together, and no one really ever knows until you surprise them with the news, or at least they don't know everything about how often you are trying, did you see the doctor, and how are your ovaries looking this month. So we just enveloped ourselves in a cocoon of love and hope and had really no expectations.
Then it happened.
The cycle was long, I took forever to ovulate, and the weekend of the insemination was painful. When I went in the morning of the blood tests I was nervous, this was the first time really throughout the whole ordeal that I felt it could have been positive, and I wasn't sure how I was going to feel if the nurse gave me bad news. So when she called and told me I was pregnant, I didn't even believe her at first.
Infertility is sometimes referred to as a "dirty" word in the conceiving world, and I remember so many times sitting in the clinic, us women just waiting to be seen by the doctor, avoiding eye contact with one another, meanwhile we were all suffering the same unspoken ailment. I myself had a hard time talking to family members about what we were going through, especially my sister, who had easily gotten pregnant, and was already raising her adorable little girl, throughout my ordeal. Don't misunderstand me though, I never resented those in my circle who conceived with facility, I may have envied them, but the reality was I was more angry and resentful of myself.
Today I have a different view of all that we went through. It made me stronger. It taught me things about myself. It brought Gianni and I closer. And yes it even made me a better mother.
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