Battling the Blues

I wasn't prepared for the rush of emotions that came over me after giving birth to this tiny little human, who like his brother made my heart grow leaps and bounds. 

I wasn't planning on the sadness that would envelope me in the quietness of the night time feedings, while I was alone with my thoughts rocking a sweet little babe to sleep.

I wasn't prepared for the rock of guilt that sat firmly on my shoulders for taking time away from my first born, for not being able to pick him up and console him, for changing his world so abruptly.

I didn't think that I would have a hard time connecting with this new baby who looked so much like me, and who I had so desperately prayed for.

I wanted to be able to do everything, and couldn't.  I wanted to sit and just stare on this new baby.  I wanted to lay on the floor with my big baby and play all day long. 

I cried.  Big fat tears.  All the time. 

I yelled and was unreasonable more often than not.

Then I cried again.

It wasn't something I was planning on.  This didn't happen the first time around, with the exception of those first few emotional days.  This time I couldn't control my emotions, and I mourned the loss of having only one child.  I mourned the things I could no longer do with just one child.  I mourned the things I couldn't do solo with my second child.  I mourned my pregnancy, knowing that we planned for it to be our last.  I mourned inexplicable things, everything, and nothing.

It was a harsh reality, and one that I'm slowly leaving behind.  Embracing the everyday happiness and the little things.  I'm now loving everything that is possible, and not holding on to the things that are impossible.  Some days are better than others.  Some days no darkness falls on my spirit, while some days I feel as if nothing is right, and guilty about one thing or another.

There is no cure.  Just an acceptance that you're human after all, and that this place right here with my children in my arms for as long they need me is where I belong.

Why I want a daughter

Before any of you get your panties in a bunch and think that I a)  must not love being a boy mom or b) I wouldn't love having another boy; I have another post scheduled on why I would indeed love to add another boy to our growing family.  But for now I want to talk about what having a girl would mean to me.

This week we find out the gender of Baby #2 at our anatomy scan on Thursday, and I'm beyond excited.  After finding out the first time we were expecting a son I finally started visualizing our future baby, and went straight into planning mode for all things nursery, and just preparing myself for a boy in the family.  You see I grew up in a family of only girls, and before the scan I even said to my husband if its a boy I wouldn't know what to do; boys just seemed so foreign to me.  When the technician showed us the clear indication of our son I started to cry...tears of happiness.  I had a feeling from the beginning that Lucas was indeed a boy, and hearing it confirmed just overwhelmed me with emotions for this child that I could now see, a vibrant and energetic baby who would be a little rough around the edges like his daddy, and enjoy all things dirt and wheels.  I was exactly right in my premonitions.

Like I mentioned I only have sisters, and very few boy cousins to boot; but I especially have a particular bond with my youngest sister Gyselle who was born when I was twenty-one.  I was in my second year of university and I was obviously in shock when my parents told us they were expecting, lets just say none of my friends quite believed I was going to be a sister again.  Clearly, after already having three girls at home, you can guess that my parents were hoping for a boy this time, and I actually remember thinking how comical it was when the technician told us at the anatomy scan that we were actually adding another sister to the mix! The day she was born I was the first to hold her, and I fell instantly in love, and that love has just continued growing as she has gotten older.  In many ways I think that day was when I knew that being a mother would be my greatest achievement and blessing in life, and I couldn't wait to find the man of my dreams to start my own family with.

I embraced all things girly when Gyselle was born, and since she was six when I did get married, I took full advantage of those six years to play with her, take her to the library, read to her every night, buy her every princess related artifact imaginable, and she became my girl (she still is by the way).  So it was only natural that when I pictured having my own children I imagined my own little girl at my side, that I could share all those little things with as well.

These feelings are not to be confused with how I feel about having a son.  Lucas has been the best thing that has ever happened to me, he has taught me to get out of my comfort zone with his energetic tactics, and his love for everything outdoors.  I love love being a boy mom, and he will always be mama's little man.  This time around I am hoping for a girl to complete the family, and to fulfill those initial feelings of wanting my little girl too; someone whose going to come with me for pedicures while Daddy is out golfing with Lucas,  someone who wants to play tea parties, and dress up as a princess every other day.   In no way would this child be replacing my affections for Lucas, my heart will only grow bigger when this new addition enters our life regardless of its gender.

Growing up with siblings can be a roller coaster of emotions and experiences, but equally special and momentous.  Every childhood memory I have revolves around my  sisters, and though at times we have been frustrated with one another and argue over things that in retrospect seem petty, they are my people and we would do anything for each other.  I cannot wait to see what kind of relationship develops between Lucas and his sibling, and I can't help but wonder that if indeed it is a girl what the future holds for these two.  Will he become the older protective brother?  Will he find her the pesky little sister that is always in his way?  Will she eventually find him the annoying older know it all sibling?  Even though my mother only has one brother, and my husband himself only grew up with sisters, the brother/sister bond in truth is kind of foreign to me, and one that I wholeheartedly would love to see and experience first hand.

I can't wait to see what the future holds for our family.