Great Expectations

I have always been a bit of a worry wart.  I was the kid who worried that her mommy was ok at home without me (obviously she was! she was at home alone in blissful silence while we were at school).  Becoming a mother is like switching on your worry button, so needless to say mine has always been on overdrive.

When you bring home your newborn, this tiny defenseless bundle of joy, you worry about keeping him alive.  You navigate feedings, spit ups, first fevers, colics, and wailing that you are convinced is being caused by some unexplained pain.  Through it all you question every decision you make, and you wonder what was the point of all the expectations you built for yourself during the last nine months.  In the end you realize you are doing and trying your best, babies don't come with manuals after all, and after countless calls to your own mother you get through it, and you learn a lot along the way.  You start to understand that those cries means someone is already hungry, that the slight increase in temperature means that in your over zealousness you put one layer on too many; and that that weird wailing is probably from boredom of sitting in the same spot looking at the same god forsaken toy for the last hour.

We learn to adjust our expectations of what a regular day looks like; and as those first blurry months become more focused you begin to navigate new worries.  Milestones, skills and overall development take over your every waking moment, and if you're anything like me you scour every piece of literature that will help you ascertain that you're doing everything you can to encourage your child to crawl, walk, talk, and master that all important pincer grip.  You start carrying around this master list in the back of your mind of the expectations for your child, and as a consequence the expectations for yourself as a parent.  How many times have I asked myself if I'm doing enough?

I spend my days worrying whether I did flash cards long enough with Lucas this week?  Am I reading enough to encourage his language skills?  Are we doing enough educational games instead of just playing?  Am I teaching him the correct way of respectful play, sharing, and interacting with other children?  In a nut shell I carry with me this long laundry list of great expectations for myself as a parent, and for my child which seems just a little unfair.

What I find happening in the long run, is I forget to enjoy those small things and appreciate the moments that my child achieves.  It becomes a tick on a list, instead of a moment that I should document in my mental files and can take out whenever I'm feeling like I'm losing grip on mom reality.  And Lucas?  I fear I have him living in this great shadow of expectations before he even has a chance to prove me wrong, which he so often does.  While I'm worrying about the next milestone he should be attaining, he's discovering the world, and showing me how to see it from different eyes.

I guess I feel that sometimes we forget that children are in fact children, and while every child develops at different speeds, it does not mean that they won't surprise you.  Just today I was worrying about Lucas' language development, and how much he really understands what I am saying to him, only for him to point out the animals in the book while I was reading to him.  I will always continue to do all that I can to encourage Lucas' development, not out of duty to accomplish a list of expectations, out of motherly love to help him be everything he will strive to become one day.